Keep It in Your Pants


Crudity and political incorrectness ahead. Don’t blame me; blame the Republicans. They started it.

So it comes to this. Four guys standing in a row – like men at the urinal – talking about the size of their dicks. Do you think it’s a coincidence that they waited until the black guy dropped out before ‘raising’ the subject?

True, it was only a single reference but, let’s be clear – the Republican race has always been about who had the largest cojones. Even Carly Fiorina was trying to show she could out-muscle the guys. All this talk about who was going to drop the bigger bombs on ISIL, who would be tougher on immigrants, who could stand up like a stand-up guy to Russia and China.

Not surprisingly they mostly sounded like bad stand-up comedians.

But hey, if they want to go there, let’s go there.

I can’t tell you who has the biggest prick and about that I am eternally grateful. But as they say, it isn’t the size of the engine, it’s the skill of the driver and based on past performance, that has to be Donald Trump. This guy has been successfully screwing people his entire life. Whether it’s the students at Trump University (Donald is being investigated for fraud on that one) or the investors in the four companies that Trump drove into bankruptcy – while walking away with billions in his own pockets – or the workers he cheated out of jobs by moving his factories to Mexico and China. And let’s not even start on his ex-wives or poor Hillary, to whom he gave so much money, but whom he now reviles. No, Donald definitely has the moves – pretty good for an old guy.

Ted Cruz on the other hand often gives the impression that he was the body model for the Ken doll. Poor old Ken, as sexless and plastic as, well, Ted Cruz. Although perhaps we shouldn’t be so quick to judge – after all his wife swears he is the second coming of Jesus and I guess she would know. Imagine for a moment what holy prayers issue from their bedroom in the middle of the night. Now imagine if you’ll ever be able to have sex again. In any case, I doubt if Ted ever let his little head think for his big head. Unless the two are one and the same. Might explain why he has no friends among his colleagues.

Then there is Marco Rubio, who sometimes reminds me of the over anxious teenager reciting baseball stats over and over again so he can get through his first date. Rubio is Hispanic and I always thought they were more self-assured but a lot of the times he seems insecure to me. As as the young guy, maybe his run is a little premature.

As for Kasich? Well, who can say? He seems like a nice balanced guy though that may only be because of the company he keeps. Even a sociopath looks normal when he’s hanging with a bunch of psychopaths.

Still, it was nice to see them all swear to support whoever wins, to promise to be buddies in the end. Because that’s what men do in the locker room when they let it all hang out. The alternative – for guys like that – is too frightening to think about. In fact, for macho, misogynistic, homophobic, racist men like that, the alternative is as dick-shrivelling as an ice bucket over the head.

And that’s ten cruder than normal minutes.



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