Morning People


There are two kinds of people in the world: morning people and those who barely tolerate them. I guess you can figure out which one I am.

I’m fairly convinced that morning people are at the root of all trouble in the world. They spring out of bed, happy and eager to do something. Don’t they know that doing things increases entropy? That’s right. Every time you do something, work is done, waste heat is produced and the universe comes one step closer to extinction. Morning people are causing the heat death of the universe.

Wouldn’t it be better to just stay in bed?

Morning people are chipper in the morning; they want to chat, to make big breakfasts. The rest of us just want to sit in a chair (or better, lie in bed) until the second cup of coffee takes hold. Fortunately we are too lethargic to actually do anything — otherwise violence would be sure to occur.

When I was in University, I was notorious for missing early morning classes. Even when I went I wasn’t there. Fortunately I worked hard in the afternoon and evening and missing classes didn’t seem to hurt me. Except for that one time I woke up all chipper and full of energy — just like a morning person — and went to math class only to discover it was the mid-term exam. In that particular course, I had neither attended class nor studied the material. I did not do well. Fortunately, it taught me a lesson. I didn’t go to another class all term but I did study and aced the final exam.

Lesson learned: avoid mornings.

Sadly, the world is largely run by morning people. They probably took control while the rest of us normal beings were still sleeping. They insist that the work day start by 9:30. What was that? It starts at 8:30. You must be joking.

It seems there is no end to their madness.

I’d carry on but I’m feeling like a nap. Well, like going back to bed anyway — in order to have a nap you have to wake up first.

I should be careful — I saw what happened to Elizabeth May this weekend. Speaking truth in an inappropriate place, simply because she had gotten up too early. She clearly should have stayed in bed.

I suspect that Stephen Harper is a morning person and Ted Cruz, too. You can see it in the manic expressions in their eyes. They’ve been up early, way too early, plotting ways to destroy the world.

Okay, that’s not fair. It’s just a continuation of my nightmare from last night, where Steve and Ted combined to rule the world. They’re probably not morning people at all. I’m pretty sure pod people don’t even sleep.

And that’s ten sleep deprived minutes.


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