Confessions

Most people think I’m this incredibly progressive liberal; some have called me a socialist. Nothing could be farther from the truth. In fact, I’ve always felt this pressure from my friends and colleagues to espouse views that I personally find repugnant. Now, inspired by the decision of James Lunney to leave the conservative caucus so he can finally express his true values, I’ve decided to come clean.

As near as I can tell, scientists are a bunch of self-serving liars who only put forward their ridiculous theories about climate change and alternative medicine in order to rake in buckets full of cash. Yes, I know that is a mixed metaphor. What are you going to do about you uptight paragon of grammar? I talk as I think — without reference to any external standards except those that have always kept us strong and free.

Which brings me to Stephen Harper. I know I’ve badmouthed him in the past but I want to say here and now that his steel-eyed determination in the face of untold and unknown, perhaps unknowable, dangers is the only thing that lets me sleep at night. Indeed, I give thanks to a higher power every day that he is hard at work in his office 24/7 trying to crush the multitude of threats that are constantly ready to somehow destroy all that we, as Canadians — and here, I mostly mean rich white male Canadians — hold dear.

Wait, I’m not finished yet. Can you possibly imagine that someone like me, a privileged western male, could possibly give a damn about what happens to people in other countries? I mean really. Most of those people don’t even speak proper English. How am I supposed to understand what they are complaining about? I can’t understand them at all.

Don’t even get me started about women. Don’t get me wrong I love women (and only women – so none of the snide talk) but I only love real women. Women who know their place — wherever that place might be — and keep it clean too. Clean and tidy. That’s what I look for in a woman and in a woman’s place. As for equality, everyone knows that women are already more equal than men in all the important ways. Not money or status or power or access to justice or any of those other stupid liberal obsessions but you know, in gentleness and nurturing and all that sexy mother type of thing. Okay so I get a little inarticulate when talking about it but who wouldn’t with them showing their faces and legs and all? And hair.

So there it is — all out in the open. I’m a ranting right wing pig but I’m a proud one.

And that’s ten minutes. On April 1. Your regularly scheduled program will return tomorrow.